Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
