On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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