Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Randomize
