it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
