My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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