I think I just saw someone hide a body.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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