Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
