I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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