you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
