question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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