Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize
