apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
