youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
