sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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