Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
