WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
