yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
