sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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