Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
