my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize