I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
