Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I wish i was in the wii world.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
