I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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