we made out on top of his cat.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
