Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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