The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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