Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
