Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
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