hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
