yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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