Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize