did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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