You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
