Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
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