Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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