Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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