Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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