Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
