Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
