your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
