Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
