Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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