I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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