They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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