good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
