Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
