Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
