The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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