Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I love you. Go after that dick
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
