How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
