He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I am midnight drunk by noon
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
