mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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