I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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