He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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