I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
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