I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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