if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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