dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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