whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
