3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
