Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
